Bathroom Scales Hints--
1. Weigh yourself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewelry as it could weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.
EXERCISE CALORIE CHART
Calories can be burned in huge quantities simply by engaging in activities that don't actually require physical exertion. Here are a few examples.
Passing the buck ------------------- 25
Hitting the nail on the head ----------------- 50
Swallowing your pride -------------------------- 50
Bending over backwards ------------------------- 75
Beating around the bush --------------------------- 75
Jumping to conclusions ------------------------- 100
Dragging your heels ---------------------------- 125
Pulling out the stops -------------------------- 150
Climbing the walls ---------------------------------- 150
Jumping on the bandwagon ----------------------- 175
Eating crow -------------------------------------------- 200
Pushing your luck ---------------------------------- 220
Putting your foot in your mouth --------------- 250
Pulling your foot out of your mouth ----------- 275
Throwing your weight around
------------- 50-300
Making mountains out of molehills ------------ 400
Picking up the pieces ------------------------------ 500
FOOD HAS NO CALORIES IF...
You eat it while standing.
In fact some research suggests it may have negative calories
If you eat it while standing at the sink.
You can't remember eating it afterward.
You share it.
You eat it with your fingers.
Empty calories = zero calories!
Always eat equal portions of white chocolate and dark chocolate.
The calories in each will cancel the other out.
And don't forget...a packet of TimTams only weighs 4.25 ounces so even if you eat the entire thing in one sitting the worst that can happen is you'll gain about a quarter of a pound!
My Kind of Doctor
I don't know which doctor wrote this, but I like him!
Health Question & Answer Session
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
Coming very very shortly