Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education
RETIRED HUSBAND
If you have a husband who is retired, you can probably relate to this
story.
If you don't have a husband who is retired, be prepared.
Otherwise, just read and enjoy! If you are a retired husband, you'd better
behave in the future!
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three
of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers
he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
(last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited
awhile;
then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
BBQ Etiquette
After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, and sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Women verses Men
1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Coming very very shortly